How Do We Learn to Regulate Our Emotions

When we were kids we would have had experienced big feelings over so many things.

Running out of our favourite snack.

Not receiving a present we wanted.

Wanting a toy that we couldn’t have. 

Being upset that a yellow bowl was given instead of a blue one. 

Countless moments could have brought up big feelings that induced anger, frustration or sadness.

Expressing those feelings may have been through yelling, throwing things, flailing arms up and down, stomping feet or  saying hurtful things to those closest around us. 

These were dysregulated moments, feelings inside got so big and without knowing how to manage them they came out in all sorts of ways.

If a big person, an adult was  around who was able to help you regulate, through co-regulation by providing comfort through holding, talking, showing other ways to express these emotions you may be a well adjusted person. 

Note dysregualted moments can still happen but when you have the awareness, skills and tools available to you coming back down to a calm state calm can be a easier process. 

When we have the continual presence of big people (adults) around us, we learn that feelings are ok, and hopefully we’re taught other ways to manage/express them.

However 

If we were met with adults that didn’t know how to regulate their own emotions and often yelled, threatened, ignored or didn’t tend to our needs on a regular basis then maybe we didn’t learn how to regulate our emotions until we were older and still need help in managing them now and that’s ok too. 

No one can teach what they don’t know. 

There’s no need for blame. 

You only know what you know.

Parenting can be challenging, so when we yell and have dysregulated moments ourselves this doesn’t mean that we’re bad people, it means we’re human.

What needs to happen is repair. 

Model to children what its like to take self-responsibility, to own up and say yes I wasn’t my best self and I’m sorry, I’m working on it. 

The challenging part can be doing this without needing forgiveness to feel absolved of guilt that can be associated with big outbursts. 

Emotional regulation begins with ourselves and then as a ripple affect that calm grounded feeling can be shared with those around us in their times of need, especially children. 

This is the importance of having awareness and doing the ‘work’ to stop generational patterns from continuing. 

“When you know better, you do better”- Maya Angelou 

Something to ponder. 

Sarah  💖